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The First Clean Sex Joke Book


     Sex is the most talked about, written about, sung about and read about subject on earth.   Yet the paradox is that it is the least understood.     

     Never has our country needed more meetings to talk about a subject in the context of  relationships and true intimacy,  and not the false intimacy that is so prevalent in our society. I have written this joke book which I dedicate to my wife. She got thrust into committing her life talking about Abstinence,  Chastity, and Relationships. She’s now an expert on teaching kids to purge their urge,  put your lust in the dust, and your drive in park. If you indulge, you may bulge. Pet your dog, not your date,  even if your date’s a dog.         

     Our family has  had a lot of laughs along this journey.Life gets so intense you have to learn to laugh at everyday situations. This book is also dedicated to those who speak on this sensitive subject.      

Chapter One

     We first started our Crisis Pregnancy Center in 1984 in the basement of our home.  We had frequent conversations about the decisions so many young people make regarding sex.    Finally one of our boys couldn’t contain himself after hearing hundreds of our conversations and he blurted out the question,    “ All I hear around this house is sex, sex, sex.  What is sex, anyway?”

     When this son got a little older he asked, “How do I know if it’s puppy love?” I said, “Feel your nose,  if it’s cold and wet,  it’s puppy love.” Just don’t soil the carpet on your way out of the room.
Puppy love leads to a dog’s life. But, it’s real to the puppy.

     Finally, a joke book that people can share with friends and relatives regarding a subject everyone talks about, thinks about, and hears about more than any other.     

Beauty:

1.    I’m tired about all this talk about beauty being only skin deep. That’s deep enough.What do you want,  an adorable pancreas?

2.   Beauty is only skin deep but that ugly,  goes clear to the bone.

Birth Control:

1.   They now have a birth control pill for men. So far the results are very encouraging. Not one man has gotten pregnant.

2.    A woman who has twins is nervous, Her husband is nervous, her parents are nervous. Even the twins are beside themselves.

3.   In this day and age of frozen embryos,  one woman said,   “I’ve got one in the oven and two in the freezer.”

4.     There’s a baby born to every fifth person who goes to the hospital.   So if you’ve been there four times,  watch out.

5.    Every 6 seconds some woman has a baby. We’ve got to find this woman and stop her.

6.   Sign in unwed mothers home. “The place where one mistake leads to a mother.”

7.   Remember that birth control pills are deductible but only if they don’t work.

8.   A baby was taken to the hospital wrapped in newspaper – by coincidence  The “C” Section.

9.   The oldest woman to give birth  was age 63 according to the New Guinees Book of World Records.   Now, that’s not all bad because when your kid gets to be a teenager you don’t need to know where they’re at because half the time you don’t know where you’re at. She was the first woman to go to the drug store and purchase diapers and depends at the same time. 

10.   The safest kind of oral contraception is to say:   “NO!”

Business:

1.   Our boss is against maternity benefits. He says if we have them every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.


Computers:

1.    Computer dating started and within a year we had thousands of little laptops. I don’t know if there’s any connection.


Love:

1.   Atrial fibrillation is when your heart starts beating quickly and you’re short of breath. The same exact symptoms as falling in love.

2.    The weaker sex is actually the stronger sex, because the weakness of the stronger sex is the weaker sex.   

3.   No matter how love sick you are. Don’t take the first pill that comes along.

4.   Some women have to be put on a sugar daddy free diet.

Spouse:

1.   For my birthday my wife bought me some, “Old Spouse”  cologne.  So in return I gave her for her birthday some  “Oil of Ol Lady.”

2.    He loves his wife terribly,but she stays with him anyway.

3.   Any guy who brags he can read a woman like a book must be a mystery fan.

4.   Billboard sign: “Old millionaire wants young woman.” The next day he found one. Someone who wanted an older man with a big heart,  but she said, “An enlarged heart would be even better.”

5.   His wife does a bird imitation: She watches him like a hawk.

6.   He’s very good in bed. He can sleep 10-12 hours.

Teenagers:

1.    Some of these teenager’s dresses for prom, you’d think Prom stands for Promiscuous.

2.    Our son tried computer dating but said he preferred women.

Times Changing:

1.    I saw my first x-rated western move the other day. Even the wagons weren’t covered.

2.    There’s no such thing as safe sex. I mean if someone throws you a kiss nowadays you better duck.

3.    In our house we practice safe mistletoe.

4.    The sexual revolution is over, sex lost.